By Scott Taylor
The headline in the May 1 edition of the Ottawa Citizen was admittedly quite alarming.
It read "DND warns of Spring geese takeover of Carling Campus". This facility is of course the site of the Canadian Armed Forces National Defence Headquarters (NDHQ) in Ottawa and therefore vital to the security of our nation.
For those of us of a certain age, the term 'Wild Geese' conjures up memories of the 1978 Hollywood blockbuster war-flick of the same name. That movie was based on the real life exploits of British mercenary commander Michael 'Mad Mike' Hoare and his infamous 5 Commando. These elite mercenaries flew wild goose flags and sported shoulder flashes of the same image. Hoare's 'Wild Geese' mercenaries were also the scourge of post -colonial Africa.
However, far from being a copycat combat organization threatening Canada's defence headquarters, it turns out this current threat is from actual Canada geese, of the fowl variety.
Residents of our nation's capital are all too aware of how threatening these geese can be during the spring mating season after they have laid their eggs. It turns out that the military's Carling Campus is smack dab in the centre of Ottawa's Green Belt, which just happens to be a prime nesting area for these particular Canada geese.
The presence of aggressive birds on Carling Campus resulted in the staff at Canadian Forces Support Group issuing a directive to personnel on how to react in the case of a hostile goose encounter. Service members are advised to “remain calm and do not panic. Try to move away slowly and quietly without turning your back to the goose. Maintain eye contact while you back away.”
The directive further stated, “If the goose charges or hisses, raise your arms to appear larger and back away slowly".
The quantity of these wild geese aggressors is unknown, as DND told the Ottawa Citizen that the CAF does not track the number of geese at NDHQ Carling.
There is also no plans for a counter offensive as Canada geese are a protected species that cannot be relocated after they have nested.
It may seem slightly humbling that Canada's military cannot secure its own NDHQ from a flock of angry birds, however this scenario pales in comparison to the embarrassment suffered by the Australian Armed Forces against an even larger feathered foe. I'm referring of course to the Great Emu War of 1932.
For those not familiar with this chapter in Commonwealth history, allow me to recap. Following World War 1, the Australian government had allocated farm plots to veterans if they resettled in Western Australia. The soil was not that fertile and in the midst of the Great Depression wheat prices had been driven down.
As these former soldiers turned farmers began their harvest in October 1932, they faced a new threat from a massive flock of some 20,000 Emus. These flightless birds stand up to two metres high and weigh around 40 kilos. Naturally these migratory Emus found the farm fresh wheat fields to their liking.
The stricken farmers called for the military to assist them. Sir George Pearce, the Defence Minister of the day agreed. Post-haste a Major Gwynydd Meredith and two sergeants off the 7th Heavy Artillery Regiment were dispatched to Western Australia armed with two Lewis machine guns and 10,000 rounds of ammunition.
What the Australian military thought would be a simple cull, or a 'turkey-shoot', proved to be misguided. It turns out that while flightless, Emus are actually extremely flight of foot.
Once the Lewis guns opened up on them they streaked off in all directions at around 40 kilometres an hour. Major Meredith tried to rectify this by mounting the Lewis guns on a truck to chase the birds. However the primitive automotive suspension of the day precluded a cross-country truck speed which could actually catch the Emus.
After six days of combat, Field Force Meredith had expended all their ammunition with only several hundred Emus claimed as KIA. Back in parliament Sir Pearce was asked if a special medal would be struck for these vaunted warriors of the Emu War.
This caused an opposition member to quip that it was the Emus who deserved the medal as they had in fact won the war. In the end the Emu scourge was countered with the provision to local farmers of 500,000 rounds of ammunition and a paid bounty on each verified Emu kill.
Given that Canada geese migration and mating is an annual occurrence, perhaps our military planners could avoid a repeat of this year's dilemma by having service dogs on the campus ground to prevent the geese from making nests during that brief spring period.
Or we could deploy an artillery Major and two sergeants armed with machine guns. Just spit balling.
