By Michael Nickerson
I’m starting to go nuts. Seriously, I kid you not. While many have theorized about this throughout my life, I’m willing to admit there might be some truth to it right now. I can’t go out; not to the pub, not to the park, not for a nice greasy breakfast at the diner around the corner. All work has been cancelled; social gatherings verboten; saying hi to dogs in the park not just off limits, but likely to illicit blasts of bear spray from their masked owners. It’s like a school snow day from hell. You can’t even play outside.
So how does one pass the time? Well, I thought of turning Monopoly™ into a drinking game, taking shots whenever you land on an opponent’s property, cheap vermouth for St Charles Place on up to 18 year-old Glenlivet for Park Avenue. Alas, the only people in my home to play with are my wife and three cats, and none of them drink. They also think I’ve been acting more weird than usual and have been keeping their distance. Well beyond two metres I might add, which is a bit hurtful.
So there I was about to concoct a scotch martini with three olives when I was saved by François-Philippe Champagne, our intrepid foreign affairs minister. No, he did not come to my home and give me a slap for crimes committed against mixology; he gave me a very good idea, a new game to play; drinks optional.
The moment of epiphany came while he announced the revised arms deal with Saudi Arabia, involving both the contentious sale of LAVs to the rather human rights challenged kingdom and further sales of arms to come, punctuating a saga that has been going on for years. Not unexpected, given how the Liberals have been foot-dragging on the whole thing hoping everyone would just forget about it, but still lamentable for those who thought Canada stood more on principle than dollars.
But the metaphorical light went on when the good minister made clear that the timing of the announcement had nothing to do with the current coronavirus crisis, but was merely a byproduct of when the agreement was signed on March 31st. Really?
Any good conspiracy theory starts with a denial, and so my game of Conspiracy!™ was born. Keep in mind, this game can work for any denial. Covid-19 was not created in a lab…aha! Conspiracy! The Chinese say they have not concealed any information about the virus outbreak…Conspiracy! Donald Trump denies everything…well you get the idea.
Right then, so here’s how you play: Start with a denial. In my case, I ran with the whole Saudi agreement thing. What are they trying to cover up? I asked myself. A renegotiation of a multibillion dollar agreement that we’ve never been given the details about, announced amid the din of virus news coverage. Sounds fishy, no?
Next, I got boxes of coloured push pins, balls of yarn and some 4’ by 8’ cork sheets (think big here people, we’re going to be locked up for some time) and started connecting the dots, just like they do on those crime shows. In my case, I went the extra mile and got images of everyone involved, from Stephen Harper and John Baird to Justin Trudeau and Chrystia Freeland, members of the House of Saud, their deputies, assistants, gardeners and interior decorators.
I pinned up questions, like why any government would sign a contract where the penalty for even divulging the contents of the agreement is paying out the total worth of the contract. Is that remotely legal? Who stands to benefit? Who is pressuring who? Did someone forget to weed the garden last year, and if so who? My lord! If you really get creative you can have yourself tangled in yarn in no time. My cats are still trying to untangle me.
And let’s be honest, that’s a lot more fun than admitting the truth: that we traded morality for money long ago, and this pandemic is only going to make it that much worse.
Stay safe.
